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The Library Of Spiritual Science

International terrorism has taken many of us back to the books to learn about Islam and its role and involvement in propelling some of its adherents to bring destruction and death to those with whom it disagrees. Another terrorism, universally prevalent, should also inspire us to study the Judeo-Christian roots of our own society. Due to their religious orientation, many homes are experiencing verbal and physical terrorism on a recurring basis, and the perpetrators excuse their behavior due to an erroneous interpretation of the best selling book in America, the Bible.
I am an Evangelical Biblical Believer. I believe that the Book is the voice of God to mankind. I also believe that it's a book that teaches marital equality and mutuality with no "top dog." But many in America have a different perspective on Scriptural teaching. This review article on domestic violence and abuse is meant to emphasize an area usually neglected by most medical professionals. The health care provider that might find himself or herself confronted by a case of domestic violence and abuse doesn't have to agree with my religious perspective. But an ignorance of the spiritual atmosphere in the abusive home, and that religious teaching's effects on both victim and perpetrator, can result in death or other ongoing torture for the victim.

Paul in writing his New Testament letter to Titus a missive of pastoral counsel advised his protégé to teach the Biblical believers in Crete "to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all men." (Titus 3:2 RSV). This teaching has practicality for many of life's situations, and the Biblical home should be the primary repository of the behavior found in this teaching. But is it?

There are several Biblical passages, both in the Jewish and the Christian Scriptures that are used to emphasize male superiority in a hierarchical family paradigm. For Christians the most used and abused is Ephesians 5:22-24. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.

The problem with this convenient plucking of verses out of the Bible to support a position is that the first lesson taught in the Jewish and Christian seminary is that the Scriptural interpretation must be done within the context of the entire passage and Bible, the culture, the language, and the time. And the clergy that emphasize the previous citation forget to mention the introductory verse just before it in Ephesians 5:21 that says, Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The follow on verses in Ephesians 5:25-32 spend much more time telling the husband what his relational responsibilities are: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

And this section is summarized by the neglected, but logical viewpoint that marriage is mutual, for in Ephesians 5:33, the couple are counseled, however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Hmmm. Sounds like good psychology to me. Respect and love. Mutuality. Wow, what a concept!

Statistics from many studies, both secular and religious, show that on any Sunday approximately twenty-five percent of the women sitting in the pews are victims of domestic abuse. That behavior can range from verbal and economic abuse, to sexual and physical violence. These statistics do not reflect husband and child abuse, which are also acknowledged.

Until recently, the faith community has lived in denial that domestic crime and brutality could be present in their congregations. After all, we have been taught from the pages of Holy Writ that if a woman submits to her husband, or a man sacrificially loves his wife, all will be well in Domestic Tranquility Baptist Church. But this Pollyanna perspective forgets another Biblical doctrine; the existence of evil. Evil doesn't reside just in the heart of a drooling rapist lurking on a dark street corner, but it's also resident in the homes of some of our most respected church members and leaders.

What is domestic abuse and violence? Don't we all have fights and arguments with our spouses? Where is the delineation between normal marital discord and abuse?

An argument takes place between two equals who have a difference of opinion. The heated exchange that takes place is about ideas and opinions. The dispute doesn't bring into question the value of the participants involved in the discussion. The partners don't make false accusations, crystal ball the other person, or call each other names.

Abuse involves denigrating (putting down) the value of the partner, either physically, verbally or with body language, social isolation, rape and other sexual violations, and economic marginalization. It can involve name-calling. It accuses the spouse of activities, sins, and omissions that are in no way true, like accusing the partner of adultery without substantiating evidence. This cruelty sinks below the discussion of ideas and opinions and desires, and calls into question the nature of the person. It doesn't recognize the personhood of the spouse. The victim is treated like an enemy that must be conquered, rather than a partner who is loved and valued.

Simply put, abuse is any action that violates a line that the victim has asked the abuser not to cross - or a limit that any normal human being should know that crossing it gives entrée into abusive territory, such as smashing a wife's face into the refrigerator.

The term, "You're too sensitive," is verbal abuse. Why? Because we all have our secret closets where we hide our pain. We marry looking for a lifelong partner who will be the one person on the face of God's creation who should care about what causes us pain. When that spouse refuses to recognize those areas where we hurt, reminds us of our weaknesses, and even uses that sensitivity to cause us more pain, he or she is abusing.

Domestic abuse and violence is dangerous. Approximately ten percent of verbal abuse will progress to physical violence. Many abused spouses will die at the hand of their significant other at all levels of society, in the church or synagogue, and out.

Research shows that most spiritual leaders are woefully unprepared to deal with domestic abuse. Pastors and rabbis are reluctant to incorporate community resources into their care plan for the victims within the congregation. Al Miles in his book, "Domestic Violence, What Every Pastor Needs to Know," reveals that the theological training and beliefs given most clergy can actually contribute to increased violence and abuse of the victim, as shown in the Scriptural example above.

Evangelical and Jewish leaders laudably place a high priority on maintaining the family unit. But this crusade for family values can blind our clergy and elders to their possible pro-life position and how that connects to the viability and welfare of the family. When a pastor or rabbi sends an abused wife back to a violent home with the counsel to submit more to her husband to prevent further battering, that leader may have condemned his parishioner to death. The life of the abused wife, and the safety of other family members, must always take precedence over the continuity of the marriage.

What should the church and synagogue do in the face of this awesome social upheaval that's only recently been recognized by social scientists, and is essentially ignored by our religious institutions? How should congregational leadership at every level respond to that respected elder's wife who in confidence reports that her bruises didn't actually result from a fall down the stairs, but came from the same hands that held last Sabbath or Sunday's public Scripture reading?

Before I share the immediate and long-term needs of the abusive family unit, it's important to emphasize that clergy are probably the first-line resource for the abuse victim. That first trustful contact can save lives. Studies show that not only are clergy not prepared for this responsibility, they know they aren't. And, yet, in every city where a seminar on domestic violence is presented, clergy aren't there. Social science is a science. Science is truth. Truth doesn't conflict with Scripture. The congregational staff must be supported and encouraged to attend conferences where they can learn how to prevent this scourge from destroying individuals in their congregation.

The first, and absolutely most important action toward the victim is to believe her. The act of "coming out of the closet" took great courage on the part of the victim, and no matter how shocked you might be that this crime has been simmering behind the scenes in an honored home in your congregation, the victim must be heard. Be patient. Listen - that means don't talk. Ask simple questions for clarification, but the less said the better. The victim must be allowed to share with you or their clergy the pain that's probably been ongoing for years. Never minimize their story. If the victim perceives that you are not supportive, she may fade back into her house of horrors, and the next time you hear from her, it may be as another statistic in your newspaper's obituary page.

Don't ask the abuser to come and sit down with the victim in counseling so "to find out truth." This action can place clergy or the health care provider, as well as the victim, in danger. Instead of addressing the abuser at this point, suggest to the victim that she obtain a temporary restraining order (TRO). Take her to the family court and support her in the process. In many states it's free and there are attorneys available who will advise her of her rights. The TRO can give the victim a measure of security from which basis she can then make other arrangements, both long and short-term, for herself and the children.

Don't ask inane questions like: